Being Single. And Being Okay With It.

I’ve been single a very long time. In fact, I’ve only been not single for a month and a half of my life, more or less. Single is what I’m good at, what I know. Single is easy, it’s comfortable. For a girl that doesn’t always feel like she can handle people when talking to them, single is what makes sense.

In college, it’s been weird to see my friends enter relationships, talk about marriage (some have already gotten married). For someone who’s been single forever and an eon, the idea of marriage is a strange abstract. Even more so than the idea of my graduation in December.

Marriage is something I would love at some point. But right now, I just can’t see it. I’m so used to be on my own and doing my own thing, I sometimes wonder if I’d know how to be in a relationship. I’m not really good at working with people and navigating my friendships, let alone a romantic relationship when you’re that close to someone.

It funny, yesterday, Ariana Grande (or whatever her name is) tweeted about being single and being her own person, how she wasn’t just someone’s ex, she was her own person. I struggle with that. I’m so used to being “just Laura,” I don’t know how to be “someone’s girlfriend.” That feels like a huge pressure to get right and I don’t think I could do that. I’d like to be able to be that, but I don’t know how.

Right now, in life, I’m just busy. I’ll graduate and move away in December, too. So I really see no point to find a relationship now.

I am single by choice. Well, mostly choice. It’s an easy choice when there’s no one in your life you’d date. Or the one person you thought you’d end up dating is in a long term relationship with someone else. It’s easy being single when no one wants to date you.

To be honest, I fear the day I find someone that I have feelings for and vice versa. When something shifts and I’m not in this position.

Until then, I am completely okay with being single.